Whatever Gets Through To You
by GeekBastard23
Summary: It seems like Tony isn't the only one who is hiding behind his suits these days. Tony/Gibbs Slash. Tag to 13x03 'Incognito'


_A/N: This is a tag to 13x03 Incognito, so naturally some (though mild) spoilers for this episode.  
Also, this is Slash.  
And nothing belongs to me. Sadly._

* * *

 **Whatever Gets Through To You**

Tony had had enough. First he had done his best to keep the team focused and hard working. Then he had tried to be there when Gibbs had come back and now he was being ridiculed by the man. What in the world was wrong with him? Tony had done everything he could have, had done everything right, too. McGee and Bishop hadn't minded listening to him and he had worked well as a team leader – just like he had done all those years ago during Gibbs' hiatus. And now the guy had the nerve to be mad at him for no reason whatsoever? It didn't even make sense. Was Gibbs mad because he had done well without him? Or was he mad that Tony hadn't called him for help? He didn't know and frankly he was almost done caring, too.

His bad mood at work had crossed the line into his private life, too and as a result, he had severe troubles with Zoe, too. He hated it, hated Gibbs for destroying his life like that, but whenever the thought of actual hate for the other man crossed Tony's mind he had to stop short because, really, he didn't hate him. Yeah, he wanted to hate him but it simply wasn't that easy. It wasn't that easy because deep down Tony knew that he belonged to Gibbs. And that thought scared him more than anything else.

He was mad at him like hell and at the same time he was so concerned about him that he was having trouble sleeping at night. He didn't even know why but the few hours, right after Gibbs had been shot, hadn't been as bad as these past weeks. Tony was afraid, he knew that, but he wasn't quite sure what of. Maybe he was afraid to lose Gibbs once and for all, maybe he was afraid that the next perp would be his last, or maybe because Gibbs had changed so much that at times he wasn't even recognizable – even to Tony.

And that was the reason why he was standing in front of Gibbs' house. He didn't quite know how long he had already been standing in front of the door, trying to come up with a reason for the visit until he realized that he didn't really need a reason to talk to him. He just could. And he would.

So he stepped into the house, slightly startled to find Gibbs sitting in the kitchen, reading a book. Once more this was something that Gibbs never did. Where had the fascination with woodworking gone to? Tony subtly shook his head as he took in the older man. He hadn't looked up when Tony had entered his house, but he rarely did, so that wasn't unusual. What was unusual though was the fact that Gibbs was still wearing the suit he had worn to work that day. Even Tony had changed into more comfortable clothes by now. It didn't make sense. This wasn't Gibbs. At all.

"Beer?" Gibbs interrupted his musings, finally giving an indication that he had heard him after all.

"Sure," Tony answered, walked over to the fridge and retrieved two bottles, handing one to the older man.

They sipped in silence for a few moments before Tony couldn't stand it any longer and loudly cleared his throat.

"Why are you mad at me?" he started, knowing that it wouldn't make sense beating around the bush with Gibbs.

"I'm not."

"Sure, you're not," Tony let out a sarcastic bark of a laugh at Gibbs' answer. "That's why you won't look at me at work and you bellow orders at me like it's 2001. So, try that again."

For the first time that evening, Gibbs looked up at him, and Tony immediately thought about backpedaling as he noticed the broken look in Gibbs' eyes. Before he could say anything, though, Gibbs had beaten him to talking.

"I'm not mad at you," he said slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I'm… I'm trying to do the best for you."

"Huh?" was all Tony said before he was cut off by Gibbs' raising his hand to keep him quiet.

"We've talked about this before. You need to make up your mind about wanting to be a leader."

"I already have," Tony replied but fell silent once more as the older man shook his head.

"No, you haven't. Just today you told me that you're looking for a sense of belonging, you told me you don't see kids in your future and I'm asking you why that is. You're with Zoe, you're not old either. Those are good reasons not to turn out like me. What's the holdup?"

Tony blinked and stared at him for a few moments, not knowing how the talk about Gibbs' behavior had turned towards him having kids with Zoe.

"This is not about me," he finally said, trying not to think about what Gibbs had just said. "This is about you and the way you're acting lately."

"What are you talking about?"

Tony let out another laugh before he continued. "Have you looked at yourself lately? The hair isn't you. I mean, it looks good and all, but that's not you. The suits? Today, I don't know if you noticed, but the two of us were actually matching, Gibbs. And while I tend to wear suits whenever I'm not feeling well, you only wear them when someone died. But now… it's like you're hiding behind them. It's like you're trying to hide behind your new look. What I don't know is _what_ you're hiding from us, from me. You say you're being mean to me because you want the best for me, but you're only making me doubt myself. I've always wanted to be team lead and you know that. But I didn't want it to be in Rota or someplace else. I wanted it to be right here, with this team. And you're making me feel like I can't do it, even though I _know_ I can. I've proven it time and time again. Is that it? Is that why you're mad at me? Because I can do the job without you?"

Gibbs remained silent for a long moment, absent-mindedly drinking from his beer again. He had averted his eyes from Tony during his speech, but now he was staring right back at him again. Tony felt his insides clench. Gibbs had never ever looked at him like that. Full of hurt… and sorrow.

"I know that you can do the job, DiNozzo," he finally said and Tony felt himself get even more restless at that particular statement because it all didn't make sense anymore. "You can do it well. That's not it. I've asked you before if you want to be like me and I didn't mean it in regards of the job. But once you're the team lead, there's nothing else. You need to understand that. All the plans you have with Zoe, you won't have time for them. No time for her or kids or whatever."

"Goddamn it," Tony interrupted him, almost shouting now. "I don't want to have kids with Zoe!"

Taken aback at his outburst, Gibbs leaned back, rubbing a hand over his face. "But you want kids."

"What?" Tony checked back, still not comprehending why Gibbs was zeroing in on it like that. "No, I don't think I do."

"If you didn't, you wouldn't have mentioned them today in the car and I'm pretty sure if you'd stayed with Ziva…" Gibbs started again, but once more Tony interrupted him.

"Ziva? No," he shook his head as he got more confused by the second. What the hell was Gibbs talking about?

"Sure. You were in love with her."

"Maybe I was," Tony answered before he could stop himself, and really, why had he never said those words aloud before? "But I'm not anymore. It wasn't enough to stay with her in Israel back then."

"But you loved her."

"No," Tony shook his head, his temper slowly fading away. "I said I was in love with her. It's a long road from being in love with someone to love somebody. It wasn't enough then and it never will be. I didn't love her. Not like that."

"And you don't love Zoe like that either?"

Tony took another sip from his beer in order to buy himself some time. He had never compared these two before. The thing with Ziva had always been intense and at times he had wanted to kill her and they had both hurt each other so much that in the end it wasn't enough. Zoe – sure he had hurt her, when he left for Baltimore all these years ago – but Zoe was so different from Ziva, everything was so easy with her that he had never even thought about Ziva like that ever since they had met again. But now that Gibbs had asked the question, he knew that he was right. He didn't love her. He liked the idea of her and him together, but just like before, it wasn't enough. He just hadn't realized until now.

"No," he finally said, shaking his head.

"When why are you wasting your time with her?"

"I'm not," Tony replied and shrugged. "I like being with her."

"Is it enough?" Gibbs prodded with such sincere curiosity that Tony was slightly taken aback without even knowing why exactly. Why was Gibbs so concerned about this?

"Maybe," Tony finally relented. "Or maybe not. I don't know. But why are you asking anyway? How is it any of your business?"

"It's not," Gibbs answered thoughtfully. "I just… worry about you I guess."

Huh. Tony leaned back in his chair, desperately trying to keep his thoughts straight. How had they ended up like this? He had come here this evening to tell Gibbs that he was worried about him and now Gibbs was telling him the exact opposite? He was fine and he was almost happy for once. Wasn't that enough for Gibbs?

"I mean," the older man raised him from his thoughts. "You're with a woman you don't really love. How can you be happy with that? I know what I'm talking about, too. I've tried a couple of those and look where I ended up. You say you want the team lead and at the same time you're thinking about family and belonging. It just doesn't match up. That's all I'm saying."

"No, Gibbs," Tony replied, finally having caught up with Gibbs' line of thinking. "It does match up. Listen, when I said I want to know where I belong, I lied. I know where I belong. I belong right here. With Abby, Ducky and McGee. I belong here in DC because that's the place where I learned to care, where I learned what it meant to be loved. I belong right here in this house, I belong to you. I always have. And when you decide to retire, I'll be right there to catch the team and to catch you, too. I won't give up on this thing we've got here. Whatever you decide it to be. What I can't promise is that I'll still be here if you treat me like you've done ever since you came back. Because frankly, I'm tired of being your idiot second. I'm tired of not matching your expectations. I'm tired of watching you lose yourself in your new hairdo and your new suits. I'm tired of you claiming you're alright when you're clearly not. So can you please cut the crap and tell me what's really going on?"

Gibbs remained silent for a long time as he looked straight back at Tony. The younger man didn't avoid his eyes and that was why he could almost see him crumbling. While Gibbs had been stubborn at the end of Tony's little speech, it was slowly giving way to something different. For a moment Tony realized it was surrender and it nearly made him choke up because, really, Gibbs never surrendered to anyone – least of all to him.

"After I was shot," Gibbs finally answered, and he really did seem defeated this time. "I… I don't know, I dreamed, I guess. There was Kelly who told me that I should be done living in the past. That I should look into the future before there wasn't one anymore. And after I… survived… After I knew that I actually did have some years to still be alive, I did some thinking about what kind of future I wanted to have. I know that I can't do the job forever, I'm too old already as it is. I know you're more than ready to be the lead. I just don't know what will happen with me once I'm retired. I want more than this house and a weekly get-together with Fornell. I want this house to be lived-in again and not with a cheap substitute of Shannon but with someone I really love. And the more I thought about it, the clearer it got. I wanted… I want…"

Gibbs broke off now as he looked away from Tony to stare at his knees instead. It gave Tony a few moments to get his own act together. The longer Gibbs had talked, the clearer the truth had gotten through to him. He wanted all these things for Gibbs, too. He wanted him to be happy, wanted him to have love in his life again. That was before he realized that Gibbs already had it. Love. Because… Tony loved him.

He sucked in a breath at the sudden realization. He loved Gibbs. Clear and simple. He never loved Ziva, never loved Zoe. He loved Gibbs. That was why he hadn't slept well for weeks. He was concerned about Gibbs, concerned that he would just leave him – again.

"I want," Gibbs pulled him out of his moment of clarity. "I mean… I know how this will sound. And I know that you don't feel the same way. I just… I need to tell you. Whenever I thought about this future, this house and what I can do, all I wanted was that you're here, too. That you'll be here with me."

Silence.

"You…" Tony started, not having been able to think straight in the first place after his realization and then only seconds after that Gibbs had told him _this._ "Are you… are you telling me… you love me?"

"Tony, I want you here," Gibbs replied, his voice calm and somehow shaky at the same time. "I haven't thought about loving you, but now that you've said it, I guess I do."

"Okay," Tony just said, his mind swirling. "But you just told me to have kids with Zoe."

"I know," Gibbs hurried to reply. "I just… I guess… I just want to see you happy. And my loving you has nothing to do with your happiness. And if you want to have kids, I can't give you that. If you want to have a big wedding, I can't give you that. That's why I wanted to make you see what you're missing out on if you turned out like me. That's why I pushed you so hard these last couple of weeks. I don't want you to end up like me. In love with someone who doesn't love you back because all I've been to you was a bastard."

Tony blinked. Once, twice and a third time. This all didn't make sense. Only half an hour earlier, he was so fed up with the guy that all he wanted to do was punch him. And now the older man was sitting in front of him telling him he loved him. Only seconds after he, himself, had had the epiphany of a lifetime. And still he just couldn't reply immediately. He needed time to think, but he didn't have time, he knew that. He would never get this kind of Gibbs ever again. The Gibbs who only spoke the truth for once and who was open about his feelings. So, Tony gulped. And blinked, once, twice and third time before he spoke again.

"You idiot," he burst out, not knowing where the sudden anger came from. "You push me away for weeks only to tell me you love me now? I've been down for weeks because of you, thinking I'm not enough for you and your fucking standards. And now you have the nerve to tell me you want me to love you? What am I supposed to say to that? And you can't give me kids? Or a wedding? Whoever said I wanted these things? I never did. You told me that I wanted them, but I don't. I don't want a big, fancy wedding with a girl, I don't love, let alone have kids with her. All I want is a sense of belonging. And I already told you, I know where I belong."

"Here, with me in this house?" Gibbs was whispering now and with one look at Gibbs' almost hopeful face, all the anger that had possessed Tony only seconds before crumbled. It was true after all. He _did_ belong here.

"Yeah," he just said, unable to form a more intelligent sentence.

"Okay," Gibbs replied, half laughing, half smiling. "Okay," he said again, nodding before running a hand over his mouth. "Okay."

"Okay," Tony echoed, feeling a smile build on his lips. "Just to be clear that you got that. I love you, too."

"I know," Gibbs gave back, smiling brilliantly this time. "Good."

"Yeah," Tony let out a laugh and suddenly felt like a million dollars. This felt so real and with a jolt he realized that he wasn't almost happy for once. He was happy. Plain and simple.

"And I still want to be team lead," he finally continued, feeling like it was somehow important. "After you decide to retire, I mean. I know what kind of responsibility it is, and how time consuming it is. But I think I can manage. There's a big difference between you and me, you know."

"What's that?" Gibbs asked, still smiling at him, which in return made Tony all bubbly with joy inside.

"I've got someone to come home to."


End file.
